I can't seem to get anything done. I mean, I haven't put away folded laundry for ages. And why not? I start and then stop. I wander. But I've got to get it together. Even if some things slide, I need to be able to focus on SOME things!
The doctor gave approval (today) for me to let the twins sleep through the night. I don't think he actually knows what he said, but I'm taking him at his word. Maybe an unbroken night of sleep or two can jump-start me!
So . . . would writing an unsolicited blog post that interests me be productive (since it might help my focus) or unproductive (since it would be one more thing in front of my honest-to-goodness obligations)?
I also ought to stop lamenting lack of theological talk. I should stop wishing things would walk up and land on my doorstep. I should figure things out myself. I should write it out and test it. I should stop being so LAZY!
I have a project with an absolute deadline--and a potential bonus if I can get it done sooner! I have GOT to get it together!
Sometimes it strikes me what odd juxtapositions exist within me. Eager to help, I don't like asking for help. Unless it has to do with writing in any form, in which case I feel like I beg and plead. I can also be eager to do, to volunteer, to serve, but in so many other ways I'm lazy. It seems I am principled but undisciplined, thoughtful but lacking in will.
Last night I was thinking about what I love in fiction and all the reasons I mourn my seeming inability to read non-fiction--despite writing non-fiction myself. Maybe another stage will help me grow past this. But now is not the stage to take more on.
I've held this a bit close, though I don't keep secrets, but I had to go to the hospital last week for fears about prelabor. The babies and I are fine, but I have got to do better about resting and staying hydrated. I'm not sure why it can seem so hard.
I have been thinking about how rest is not something we do, but something we receive. And today I'm receiving respite with a morning babysitter and an afternoon when I can greet my parents and welcome their help.
I am torn about what to do today. Mostly I hope not to get upset.
I have always been a black and white thinker. I dare say I will remain one. But black and white thinkers can--and should--acknowledge that there may be multiple options. I think that lack of discernment is what generally gives black and white thinkers a bad rap. Yes, we are "right" or "wrong" kind of analyzers, but the third option--that the right answer hasn't been offered yet--is totally legitimate among black and white thinkers. Or do I understand this wrong? Should I amend my understanding of the term to thinking its a strictly two-choice model?
So, I wish I could scream at people, "There are more options than you are considering!" Whether that is on facebook or to the postman, who just knocked on my screen door (other door still open) to see presumably my baby sitting on the dining room table in just a diaper with a hand in the peanut butter jar. Yes, in some situations that could be a sign of negligent parenting. And yes, sometimes I should give my child more attention. But I was in the back room with another tantrum-throwing child! I just couldn't be in two places at once!
But, whatever. People can judge me. It annoys me, but that is temporary. But where are the advocates in this world raising awareness of MORE THAN TWO OPTIONS?
A friend or two have such positive experiences on facebook. I don't. I mean, I glean a few interesting things. I learn about books here and there. But overall its a frustrating bummer. And I don't see any way to fix it. I often chose friends based on whether they have ideas or love in some form. But apparently there is no accompanying discretion on my part necessitating they are capable of calm online discourse.
I used to have discussions where one's heart would quicken, but everyone remained humane. And I don't know whether personal stressors or just an inherent suckiness to facebook changes that. Sigh. Or maybe its me. But I get upset whether or not I respond, post, or anything else.
I'd like having friends closer, but online society is more what is available to me at this point. What it does is make me long for my family and communes have never looked so attractive.
I miss the interactions and friendships I used to have. It's hard to tell these days who is really a friend and who is not. :(
Well, we're pregnant with twins. I'm sick all the time and I'm pretty freaked out. My mind is starting to wrap around stuff, but my instinct to be perfectly still runs exactly counter to caring for the kids and helping my husband. So that's rough on all of us. :(
Also, the kids are all passing around a tummy problem. Sigh.
The ambitious part of me wants to be a mover & shaker. Funny how little it takes for me to feel like that could fall into shambles.
Why do I measure success in ways my perspective is inherently limited?
Why can't I chose when to be winsome? I've got some charm to me, but why does it seem like I need a face-to-face encounter to pull it off? I CAN speak, but interviews sure leave me depressed. Wish I had a do over.
I'm thinking about starting a professional blog, in part to promote my books & ideas.
This is likely horrible timing. I'm trying to house train a grown monster of a dog. I've got four children five and under, and frankly I'm still open to more. But I'm feeling compelled, despite my husband. I'll try to put it off. Bad timing, as far as I can tell, is just another form of temptation: an attempt to twist an otherwise good thing.
But please wish me well. We've been juicing fruits & vegis to try to keep our spirits & energy up, and while I'm hanging in there for the most part (I've put the dog back into his outside kennel a couple of times out of frustration, admittedly, like RIGHT NOW), I could step it up in the house or SOMETHING. I know I'm spreading myself & my . . . what's the opposite of self? . . . othernesses thin as it is. Sigh.
And you know me. There are other projects on the back burner. But I'm trying to take things one day at a time (to make one deadline, to be better with my kids, to gain perspective on the dog, etc.).
I want to write and develop ideas. And I want to do it continually. A promotional blog seems like the way to do it. I've gotten quiet about my personal life here, but I still want the writing exercise & discipline. Sigh. But I just don't know if this is blind ambition. How in the world do I expect to perpetually find extra time?!
This is not a signing off post, just saying what's on my mind. I wish I were more patient. I wish I were better about cleaning floors. I wish I were better with my kids. I do think for the most part I'm content, but content while juggling . . . how long-lived can that be?
Best open house yet. I'm getting better about welcoming people and talking with those who are sitting apart. Had some good conversations and plenty of great food!
I think we had:
Hot cranberry tea (should double next year)
Soda (mostly just the few kids)
Cranberry dip over cream cheese (got into our second block)
Cheese & sausage platter (three blocks of Aldi's cheese & a Sam's Yard o' Beef)
Crackers & pretzels (less than half a Sam's cracker assortment)
Ranch, carrots, grape tomatoes & celery
Oatmeal fudge bars
Queso & chips (4 lbs velveeta, 1 lb hot sausage, one monster bag of chips?)
Party meatballs (should double next time)
Cookies: Molasses, soft chocolate chip, soft chocolate chocolate chip
Diabetic friendly chocolate spice cake (chocolate ginger)
I tried to do a lemon loaf, but it stuck to the pan too much to present.
When I should be getting energized from being excited for something, sometimes I plunk down immobile instead. I don't understand it. Apparently I should plan accordingly though I rarely do. I have chores to be done and they're just not getting done. For some unknown reason, I'm just not DOING.
I finished the Lemony Snickett series and I'm not sure I understood all the details at the end. Stinks. The series was a bit too long for me so I started skimming too much. Sigh.
I'm in the mood to have the house to myself, but I fear once the kids are down I'll be down too and miss yet another opportunity to prepare for my open house, which is this Sunday and which I'm really looking forward to.
And there's more to homeschooling that I mean to do, but just haven't. :( I don't know if I should just say, "My kids are young anyway" or address the serious issue that apparently I'm not mature enough yet to make and follow a plan or directions. Sigh.
I've been trying to figure out how to really relax. And yesterday it occurred to me how much I miss having better radio stations. When I was growing up, I had three I could flip through according to my mood as something of a vent. But I don't have that right now. Frankly, I don't even know how to pursue my own music on itunes anymore either. I'm just not a genre-specific type.
I wish I spent more time in high school pursuing music groups and tuning my ear to something beyond deciphering a conductor. Sometimes people talk like you HAVE to know what you like, and that simply is not the case. :(