Mary Jack

I'd really enjoy an article on scapegoats as a human phenomenon.

And yet another friend backs away from the blogosphere because of crazies who've forgotten how to spend their time.

My world is largely indirect right now. And though I regret parts of that, I'm not going to beat myself up about it right now. Because love and service can still be love and service even when they're indirect. Still, some face-to-face interaction can be a good dose of realism and proper medication. May we all remember that when the time comes.

My heart hurts with a tragic situation. I can care, I can pray, but I don't have words to say. But maybe Charlie's: "Jesus hates death."

Shaina and Rachel have properly blown me away with their fine hospitality. Fine courses, yummy wine, plus dessert, champagne and a sleepy baby to boot!

Just today I was saying that perhaps I should let off a bit from my food obsession. Now I think I simply need to broaden it out a bit. : )

I had a really nice night and am still happily buzzed. There are fireworks off in the distance and I'm at home with the ones I love. We were properly busy today, with a mere load of laundry left undone. Life is good. The living room & kitchen are baby-proofed and Elizabeth now has her own little book shelf to pull from and extra crawl space to explore. All closets but one are rearranged and all rooms but one have been worked on.

Elizabeth played with dogs and it was a marvel.

Now is time for some water. And jammers.

I've gone through my stages: loner; intellectual; disoriented, discombobulated college student; balancer of be & do; vulnerability; but my favorite has definitely been my last one, namely, delight (which in turn simplifies). I know I'm venturing out into the "be challenged" stage that has rather eluded me, but I reckon the time has come. Then I'll settle, hopefully not too bored, into "tedium of daily challenges." Still, I think delight & gratitude are the best remedies for bitterness and hopelessness and I'm getting some good practice out of those, hopefully training me for days to come. ; )

My husband did the sweetest thing for me. He bought me a honey bear. A real, honest-to-goodness painted porcelain honey bear. The head, complete with big darling eyes, comes off to reveal one of those honey wands that sits in the honey all the time. I already love it dearly, and it somehow makes me feel more one-of-a-kind and that my apartment really is a family home.

In other news, Ned & I are probably getting into a movie stage as once again we've rewatched LoTR and still are not movied out. Friday I get Thai food. I've been working a bit too hard, but I think things are a better now. Life is good. And the soundtrack plays on ...

Have I mentioned that Ned made the best homemade lemonade concoction I've ever had? Also a nice Asian chicken. We're trying so hard to be productive, reorganizing storage in the house, cleaning out cupboards, dotting t's and crossing i's. : ) It's good to be home.

Elizabeth's head funniness is back, but at least we're home so we can easily schedule an appointment to get to the bottom of those painful looking bumps (darned helmet!). I'm also about to schedule her first dentist appointment. Very weird.

Now that Ned's home I feel like we have a lot more time to be social. I miss other people. Once the house is clean maybe we can start entertaining again. Elizabeth is even at a good age for it. Though she's started to squeak and squeal again. Is it wicked to hope we can train some of those noises out of her?

Amongst the great mysteries of the world is how I feel like it was only last week that we were in Canada yet at the same time it feels like we just spent a nice month in Virginia. In a similar way, I am not at all surprised that Elizabeth is now 10 months old, but it's kinda bizarre that Ned and I just celebrated our two-year anniversary. Part of me marvels that Ned and I have been married for even as long as a year.

To celebrate, Ned got me roses and took me out to a happy place with copious yummy beer. The Irish pub had a nice lengthy beer menu and my very favorite, so while I started out with a Black Velvet I closed with a framboise and a silly, slightly slow-motion grin that lingered for the rest of the night. Ned is good to me. We walked around Jefferson Pointe and hit Barnes and Nobles before relieving our two babysitters at home.

It's been a really good summer so far. We haven't spent much time at home, but now we have a few weeks to catch up and play in the best possible way: together.

Elizabeth is getting her second top tooth now (no longer symmetric) and starting to creep. She's getting large enough to be a little awkward in my arms, but I love her more than ever. I want to buy her some books, but have little idea where to start (as far as educational parenting). I blame the decline of community.

My project is picking up steam though I'm a little hesitant to start writing away. Still, I think my research has left its most initial phases and brought me to a more stable place from which to speak. My moment is coming.

We've almost finished our trip to Virginia and enjoyed a very full weekend of hospitality and fun. Not only did I get to see Lisa a couple of times, but my family also hit a Patriots game yesterday (and Famous Dave's), getting me a (Ben's Chili Bowl) half smoke no less, though not in the atmosphere I'd desired. Namely, with Lisa at my side in the actual joint. Still, I'm a baseball girl and it turned out to be a beautiful way for Elizabeth to attend her first major league game.

She inches forward sometimes now. And she fills me with joy as she wildly thrashes, periodically biting my nose. Our little girl. We've had some problems from her helmet that almost caused us to drive home sooner rather than later. Please keep her precious head in your prayers or wish us well.

In other news, I think my wit's finally returned from pregnancy. Now let's just see how long I can keep it. : )

I wish I could have spent more time with Lisa & Mollie. And seen a few others. Still, a very good trip. Next we get to see Charlie & Jen!

For the record, Ned has now offered guests "bacon explosion."

I got some of my first sun this summer out with Ned, Elizabeth & Lisa. Yay! It was a lovely vacation day, walking around Old Town Alexandria. Pad Thai and a fancy cupcake were the rich buttercream icing on top of a really nice day.

Rejoicing in my non-pregnant state, I've decided to eat feta with my lunch almost every day this week. But I'm surprised by how quickly I'm thinking about more children. I'd really rather have full-time employment for my husband lined up before facing those expenses, but I'm more open, and slightly less terrified, than I'd figured I'd be. Though I'm sure that's largely because Elizabeth is a beautiful, well-behaved joy, and the large percent of our groceries that are free through the seminary.

Today my daughter bit my nose. But don't worry, it was out of joy.

I'm at a crossroad with my project. (I hate to call it "work" since I'm kinda living & breathing it.) Part of me wants to work upon it late into the night, but part of me also simply does not want to work on it past 4:04pm. It's like there is a barrier in my head. Perhaps one of lingering intimidation. But my thoughts are coming together, very well even, one piece at a time, I just wish my research were of the same focus and mindset.

I hope to take steps to side-track some of my pessimism. I intend to make a list of seminarians that I've known who will make, or already are, good pastors. And oddly it's more so that I can avoid just rehashing the same vents with the same people instead of me wanting to avoid the anger & revulsion myself. I honestly want something better for those relationships.

In some ways, I'm a big nerd and I don't want people to take that away from me. I don't want them to mock what I care about. I suppose part of that is that I still want to make the world a better place. And who cares if people think I'm trying to do so in a fruitless or outmoded way? We all have our parts to play.

I don't think McDonalds should sell a beverage and charge more for it than for a burger.

It occurred to me that, in part, I'm scared (intimidated?) of being a housewife because I am so strongly averse to being even more of a controlling perfectionist than I am now. I fight it very hard now. I think successfully, for the most part. But I can imagine myself treating that life like a list of impersonal tasks that must be conquered at all costs. And I have no interest in a life like that. But I'm not confident that my current coping skills & defense mechanisms are up for a full-time temptation trap like that. Which is to say, I want to serve PEOPLE, not a HOUSE or even cultural standards. And while I certainly involve my home & cleaning to serve others, it seems to me there'd be more pressure for clean, organizational perfection without another job. But I suppose that's why coping skills change & develop. The Lord does not abandon, but makes perfect in faith. Sigh, vocational crosses.

I may have something against a generation of pastors. Their worldview seems to have infected their culture in such a way that it drives me batty, but in such a kindly way that I can't say anything, perhaps out of respect for their age & experience, perhaps out of lack of vocabulary and imagination. I do not care that "YOU" "assure" me that the Lord "WILL" bless and keep me. Give me the blessing! It's mine! Don't mute & hide it with yourself. That just leaves things awkward, worldly & relational when really it is between God and me with you as a means. Get out of the way, generation of pastors! And it's the same for absolution. No absolution, but kindly words.

Bar-B-Cutie had mothers eat free today! Yay! I had pulled pork, brunswick stew, fried okra & texas toast w/ half sweet/half unsweetened ice tea. For dinner, Ned made steak, asparagus & his amazingly good drop biscuits.

At church, there were several woman who talked to me about how they don't get to celebrate their own motherhood on Mother's Day but instead carry responsibilities for other mothers. Very sad. Makes me very sad about the negative ramifications of matriarchs. Vocations are relational, people, not reasons or excuses for entitlements!

I'm contemplating development that's interlinked with faith. And while I'm looking into infant/toddler stuff, I'd be interested in any comments or resources you may have for me. How are we so different from children, after all?

Thus far I have nit-picky word objections to a book I'm reading, but am trying to put it into a broader, more fair & helpful (?) perspective. I think by recognizing that we need to hear God's Word AND hear about God Himself. Is there a balance? What exactly is the interrelationship, or what should it be?

I can't seem to write what I want to. Because of internal conflict? Lack of focus? I don't know. A stroke of ironic justice brought me down on Saturday and kept me sick all of Sunday. Maybe I'll reharmonize in another day or two of fluids & calories.

But I've been daydreaming about my life and what I want to do with it. Books that I want to write & books I want others to write. And when thoughts that maybe children may prevent that, erm, "may redirect my vocational aspirations," I thought about how much I'd like to play clarinet regularly, even semi-professionally.

I played in chapel again today and really enjoyed it. Apparently there's a local group that gets together that I could join that isn't too specific about attendance, but I'm not sure now would be a good time for that, particularly for Ned. But I suppose a girl can dream. The thing is, I don't know the balance between being content & dreaming. I swear I'm content, but I seem to keep thinking/planning things out for the future. Maybe life's bound to be a bit topsy turvy. How much is it being-the-best-you-can-be and how much of it is self-medication/escapism/insecurity?

Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems to me I still have time, energy & talents in addition to being a wife & mother. But somehow being the mother of a growing baby makes that tricky business. Well, that and marriage to a student. Opportunities will be more clear when Ned & I are in one place with a more set schedule than we have now.

Do any of you EVER have red bell peppers lying around? Surely this is a gardener's phenomenon. Or am I just cheap?

Also, Ned's been a real sport about my cooking adventures. But some ingredients he simply doesn't care for. It's too early in our marriage to push this, right? ; ) I guess I wonder how much of it is actual preference against and how much is experience with less than idea recipes. I shall have to ask him.

Also, I read some online Kleinig articles and I both love them and him. Not claiming he's perfect, but it seems to me that he can be very dreamy, even in purely theological terms. Add the Australian accent and it only gets better. He and my husband helped me have a better day today.

I have two highlights from the last few days. Yesterday I woke up thinking about owning my own pizza place. Named something like Non-stop pizza . . ., where the dots are mini-pizzas. And the day before, Ned allowed my neuroses a bit of control and we had a whirlwind trip to Walgreens, Target, and a second hand furniture deal before a quick bite of Barbecutie (anyone else know it?) then a brief presentation on our health insurance that starts toward the end of summer (Finally! The Concordia Plan!).

Other than that, I've both been productive and on the verge of a meltdown. I'm trying to get my house in order since I think that's where a goodly amount of my insanity & pressure is coming from. I'm doing pretty good about work, which is good; I just don't seem to have enough time. Again, any suggested reading about marriage or family is welcome. Secular or religious. Though if it's religious I'd really prefer it not to be total crap. And I'm trying to be social. Though right now that translates into being very grateful for all invitations/opportunities while not making any of my own. : ( But maybe tonight (the 4th year banquet) we'll sit with friends. But frankly I'm not sure I even know how to talk with friends anymore.

Ned's letting me go to the library today (babysitting so I can, perhaps I should say). I get to explore the world of theses. Should I be excited to see the next generation of theologians? I mean, presumably these have all passed criticism. It's funny to me that so many recent guys have written things related to my topic while so many generations have avoided it altogether. Is that cultural meltdown or the more standard "don't fix what's not broken?" Plenty of theology seems to have assumptions that aren't articulated until they're challenged (or so it seems to me), so maybe this is part of a natural process that will really help people now & in the future.

Please wish me luck or say a little prayer for me. A burst (as opposed to a gulp) of survival would feel nice, as would a really nice beer after a performance of some sort. Maybe some time this summer. Ned's busy quarter is halfway over.

Do you think there are times when the Church and Christ's Kingdom are synonymous or would that be over simplifying for later development?

Somehow it seems quite a bit different to hear seminarians' theological gossip/scandal now that I'm no longer on campus. I'm more prone to giving the professors/pastors the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes. But I'm curious what kind of message communing a three year old gives to the larger community. To me, it's not only an individual question but a public fellowship question. I've always been able to give a short answer about closed communion in part because of our current late communion policy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against earlier communion, but it seems a pretty complex situation/question to me.

I'm reading Althaus' The Ethics of Martin Luther. Do any of you have opinions/ concerns about it?

I'm making progress researching vocations of family, though I'll admit I feel out of my depth sometimes. Guess that's what happens when dreams descend into real life. I'm sure glad this project isn't mine alone! I wish there were safeguards to make sure people do the best job possible. Especially in research matters!

Thanks for your kind words about Elizabeth. Just today she's started throwing things from her high chair. They do grow up so fast ...

Ack! I may have to go without a computer starting NOW.

Here's my darlin' in her Easter outfit. I put a few pics on flickr just to post them here. All our others are on Ned's picasa page--let me know if you need that info.

(In family baptismal gown)