Mary Jack

I'm slowly trying to organize my house. This really is going to make my life easier I think. Having what I use handy & what I don't use elsewhere. As easy as that.

But larger progress lies in knowing that little bad can happen just cuz I'm behind where I want to be. Yes, things would be easier if my to do list were just meals for the day & some touch-up cleaning, but learning and practicing patience is good. Having a goal to stay busy, with things or my kiddos, is a good place to be, no matter what my to do list says about it. I haven't missed any deadlines and even better I'm no longer living my life as though I'm on deadlines. I get to just live my life. Trying to do what I can.

I should be better, of course, and yesterday I was Mrs. Grouchy Pants after a floppy night of sleep from our youngest. And my stupid pedometer doesn't work, somehow causing me to want to eat my chocolate bunny & malt eggs. But in a sense this is as it should be. I'm ok with it.

I wonder what it's like to understand oneself.

I was preparing for my second (of four or five) radio interviews by writing down quick little phrases that summarize our points. But why didn't I just underline or mark up my book thereby saving me the trouble for later? I happen to have a bazillion copies: I can certainly claim one for my own. But I'm a big weirdo. It's like somehow this book is untouchable to me still.

My second interview went MUCH better than the first. So that's a big relief. And it makes me wonder if confidence isn't as much a stance as a matter of personality or tenacity. Don't misunderstand me: I still think I should primarily hide away in small town life writing and instead of talking.

I've been a bit out of control googling my book, looking for reviews. There's no explosion of commentary. It's mostly my friends. But I think I'm starting to chill out. So far we seem to average about 4 or 4+ out of 5. And that's not bad. Nobody's decrying it. I haven't heard any scandal about it. So maybe that's enough.


I'm gearing up to write again. But I'm nervous. Like I'm not worthy yet. As though worthy means anything in such a context. But I'm not at 100%. I need to catch up around the house. I need to get back into a normal routine. I'm thinking good things, but I'm just not quite to an active point. Um, sadly, I'm not at an active point which is why I'm behind even in piddly things. Alas.

Yesterday I was contemplating college. And, you know, there's plenty I would undo, but what I got from my university education was two pieces of paper and a large dose of human reality. Which I think is what I needed more than anything else.

From parenthood I'm getting the challenge classwork never gave me. I hope I learn to rise to the challenge. Retaining large doses of human reality.

I can't tell if I'm lazy or immature. My to do list is getting amazingly short & free of deadlines. My head is in a place where I hope to start writing again. If I can just finish up a few more things! But what is it that makes people sprint to the finish line? And why don't I seem to have it? The closer I get, the slower I seem to be.

I'm hoping this is lingering immaturity that will be remedied by having a shorter to do list. That somehow getting back to the basics will fix my momentum problems. But my baby sleeps all the time NOW. Now is when I want to start seizing the day!

I'm happy with my life. I'm just not currently happy with ME.

There are days when my parenting philosophy towards babies is dress them in yellow. Let the reader understand.

I've been a bit crabby today but at least I'm catching up on stuff. I really am learning that a stay-at-home mother can be plenty busy. Yesterday's well-baby appt, hair cuts & family photos were all I could handle! I do hope to transition into being more kid-focused (as opposed to me scattered), but we're all making it as a family and that's the place to start.

It may be an odd thing, but I have a few projects I'd like to do before focusing on homeschooling. As in, I'd gradually go into partial retirement (in my early to mid 30s) and be that idyllic mother & home chef I'd like to be. Maybe that makes me selfish or maybe, just maybe, God's timing & my limited ambition are actually in sync. :) Then maybe I'll have more "dream callings" once the kiddos are reading & my time frees up a bit again.

I really do have amazingly wonderful children. I hope I can honor them with the loving attention they deserve.

Dated 6/14/05
Presumably during Summer Greek

Bizarre wisdom that You deem
To grant this wisdom, this moment,
This joy and fire of my soul.
Bizarre that, should memory fade
Or devil steal the truth,
Still this precious hearing--
Reception of wondrous possibility--
Mindful of Your love for me.

Again and again You can teach me,
Instruct me in Your ways,
Amaze me with Your deeds,
Even those deeds I forget in weakness and wickedness.

In Your mercy, kind revelation,
With this piece--a dangle from Your garment--
Bring me closer to You,
The Mighty, the Merciful, Your love ever prior.


I'm going through old notebooks filing. I used to write class notes in the front & poetry in the back.

I rarely speak about parenting in the laudable terms that I ought, but I really do love the first two weeks of a child's dry life. There are so few expectations, yet the tiniest twinge toward a smile makes the world come alive with wonder. It's the sense that we can scrutinize facial expressions without exerting any pressure toward what they should be! Now THAT is what emotional freedom and a life balanced even without sarcasm can look like.

In more normal-to-me terms, however, I am eating all the time. Apparently my body misses carrying around that extra weight. I have a baby-sized hole within that I'm steadily filling up with candy, sour cream & chocolate scones, animal crackers w/ chocolate cream cheese frosting, and an excellent spice cake w/ spiced (you guessed it) cream cheese frosting.

There is a very literal sense in which I long to eat my way through all this food and then start a dietary lifestyle completely over. But I wonder if I'm going to have to loose the processed food like I did nursing Eva--will Margaret have the same crazy intolerances? Only time (and diapers, sigh) will tell.

I am starting to think straight, which is nice. Except that I am such an abnormal person. I keep having this throbbing shoulder pain (from a tetanus booster?) that's keeping me on pain killers . . . who on earth has a baby and recovers nicely except for her SHOULDER?!

Another perk to two weeks of doctor-mandated rest is that I have a chance to read while nursing. Yay! I've read French Cooking in Ten Minutes (excellent & fun) and now most of Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. I want to read more. It's so good for me all around. Though I long to get back to writing too. Hmm...

I am not someone prone to guilt or regret. Or maybe I just perceive them more through fears. I don't think I mind being outside people's expectations, but I hate that every time the phone rings, I think, "If I don't answer that they'll think I'm in labor!" And I hate that I answer the phone, truthfully yet ironically with, "Sorry to disappoint you: no baby yet."

Sigh. I think I may be intellectual proof that people can be distressed by practically every angle of a thing. Not that I'm all emotional about it. But I sure want out of this stage (pregnancy). In fact, these (parenting) stages, all in which I can be condemned from hundreds of varying parental philosophies whether or not someone is directly speaking against my understanding & attempts toward modesty, moderation and motherhood in general.

To be clear, parenting is good & fine. I mean, it's hard and self-sacrificial but it's beautiful et al. It's the existence & my perception of OTHERS that seems to cramp my style at times. ;)

Likely, I'm just too physically & emotionally weary with pregnancy that I'm grasping for things to think about. But as much as there's stuff I should do that'd likely stimulate me, I just lack drive. My only desire--I don't even want to eat or drink--at this point, I just don't want to call Ned out of church to go have this baby! Any other time, child, come on out!

I'm starting off the "new year" skipping church, in a disastrously messy house, with a very tasty-smelling pike's peak roast braising in the oven. At roughly 11:30pm New Year's Eve I woke up wondering if I was in an early light stage of labor. Needless to say I spent much time awake and more or less have myself on self-imposed bed-rest til my momma gets here this afternoon.

It's a blow to my pride that I'm missing church, but it does me good that my girls still went, that we could be confident that people would want to watch them.

Away from my girls, actually all by myself for a while (!), I'm temporarily relieved from my fears of misreading my body & not getting to the hospital on time. Which I'm gunna take as a gift from the Lord through my dear husband. I can actually do nothing for a spell! I CAN rest.

Seriously, when was the last time I was by myself for more than 10 minutes? I'm not even in a car running an errand!

I am a hormonal, mental, and physical mess. Ned suggests I pray for deliverance. (I love my husband and his choice, precise words.)

I suspect we all should pray for deliverance more.

I wonder why thinking in those terms can be so foreign. As though I'm ungrateful. Sigh.